Provocations

Have you ever been in a relationship or social setting where someone seems to be out to provoke you? It can be old friends, family members, partners, acquaintances, church members and coworkers. Often it’s the older relationships that can be the most bitter, and there’s so much baggage.

 If you feel provoked by someone, manipulated or controlled, and feel that below superficial niceties they’re a very nasty person, ask yourself why they’re nasty. The biggest temptation is to be nasty back in kind. To play the same game. Perhaps it becomes intensely competitive with a ‘tit for tat’ kind of situation.

 If you think about it, someone who is provocative and nasty is bound to be a deeply unhappy person. Whether you know it or not, you’re a threat to them. It could be ‘impersonal’ in that you represent a threat because of your talents, knowledge, position or clout, or it could be personal -they don’t like your personality, something you’ve said etc…

 On the other hand, a self-assured person is content, so therefore, why be competitive? If you can be self-assured in yourself, you have no compulsion to be one-up on your fellow man. Someone who is content and self assured, no matter religion or philosophy, has no interest in dominating, controlling or exploiting their fellow man.

 The biggest challenge for us is how do we react to someone who provokes us? The natural reaction is to do the same back, but the problem with that is you’re stooping down to their level. You become like them, and are liable to get caught in a downward spiral of biting back… The bible warns congregations not to get caught up in this, because in the end you destroy each other (‘envying and devouring’ each other).

 But the alternative is much harder -to do nothing. And it’s a risk. By doing nothing, you may be successful in preventing a war, and things may settle down. On the other hand, the antagonist might be looking for a fight, in which case he or she will persist until they either get their desired affect or eventually give up.

 There are some things to keep in mind about provoking people (rather than use the term ‘being provocative’, which can be seen as a noble artistic endeavor). There are advantages for people who provoke: they can gain the ‘moral’ upper hand by silently provoking their target until the target finally lashes back in front of witnesses -typical classroom trick with students, the teacher always catches the one who is being provoked while the instigator feigns innocence.

 The other advantage in being the one who provokes is related -they have the advantage of planning ahead. They often have the element of surprise. Really clever provoking is when the instigator can provoke their target without their target realizing they’re deliberately being provoked at the time. The target is then prone to a knee-jerk reaction that can get him or her into trouble.

 This can be relevant between classmates, family members, church members, employees, politicians and governments. It can exist on several levels: emotional and psychological, in conversation, in the media and any communications, in financial and business warfare and in military (tit-for-tat between borders for example). It can be on a conscious level and even subconscious – people may provoke you though they’re not consciously aware of it, they just feel you’re a threat for some reason.

 As a Christian I feel answers to these dilemmas are not easy but wisdom can be found in the scriptures, through prayer and wise communication and negotiation. It also involves building up emotional self-control and checking one’s knee-jerk reactions, because when you lose it in anger that’s when you make mistakes and lose respect of those around you. Of course, we all have a limits and fall on many occasions, but we can learn from out mistakes.

The next religious comic strip…

NOTE: this is not targeted at any single religious group. It just points out the two sides of the story and how they can feel on the defensive… (The quality of the words isn’t great, I know, so now I’m going to use capital letters and a thicker pen to see how it works. If it’s a lot better, I may redo my older comic strips.)

Comic strip about strict religious groups

Toxic Finance and Toxic Religion

The global financial crisis teaches us the significance of trust -how a system is based on trust that leaders and members will do their job responsibly without cutting corners or deceit. In fact, trust is a majoy part of the global society. Take the powdered milk crisis of China as a case in point. We trust that food companies will provide appropriate ingredients in their products. But perhaps the problem is blind trust.

I believe the concept of trust is just as important in religion because committing to a church or an organisation involves contributing time and money and that the reputation of the organisation could reflect on you as well. Therefore it’s a good idea to test out an organisation before you get absorbed into its social network and culture -even as the New Testament says: “test everything” and as Sean Connery says in Entrapment ”First we try, then we trust”.

What’s interesting about the global financial crisis is that, theoretically, people could have seen the signs before it was too late (as I’m sure there were economists and marxists who did predict a fall). However, the signs may not have been obvious amongst all the financial activity and herd like beliefs that spread without necessarily any reason involved.

It seems now looking back people have 20/20 vision: how could mortgage companies lend to so many people without proper income or assets? After all, you won’t lend money to a friend who probably won’t be able to pay back a debt, let alone strangers. It seems so obvious to us all now as the media focuses on all the issues -but before the bubble burst, only those knowledgeable would have known the difference.

Perhaps a general life-long lesson to learn is that it’s important to read the subtle signs. It’s important to sometimes sit back an observe, rather than just follow the herd. Don’t take comfort in the fact that “everyone else is doing it, so it must be okay”. Like termites that eat wood below the surface, not everything is as it seems.

So my advise is, when looking into religion -whether its Buddhism or Christianity, do a bit of research. Ask questions. Don’t be conned by appearances. Look for subtle signs. Beware of too much persuasion, pressure to make rushed decisions and pressure on you to not ask questions. Also, if it seems dodgy, run.

Hold on to a good conscience

In my previous post I discussed dealing with a “bad egg” in any kind of group setting where power and politics are involved. I supposed one way to define a bad egg is someone who has discarded their conscience so to speak. While the New Testament states that a good conscience is essential along with faith and a pure heart (1Timothy 1:5), keeping your conscience can be seen as a weaknesses in political struggles. Perhaps it’s possible to have such a sensitive conscience that you can hardly get anything done in your life, but generally it’s important to have a conscience and know what lines not to cross.

However, as they say, power corrupts, and thus one needs to be careful even in the realm of religion and Christianity. That is to say, it’s not the Christianity that corrupts, but the power within religion. Furthermore, if you get caught up in the intrigues, or become a victim, the temptation is to bite back and lose your conscience by stooping to the same tactics of deceit and slander.

The problem with losing your conscience is that I believe you lose some of your humanity. You lose the potential to have true joy. We can all obtain happiness and pleasure, but spiritual joy comes from overcoming and not letting yourself be dragged in. I guess it’s what the psalm means when he says “I will not walk in the counsel of the wicked” -he won’t join in with they’re tactics. But this is probably one of life’s challenges, especially if you’re continually provoked.

Within a democracy ideally there are checks and balances, an open media and sometimes the concept of a conscience when dealing with certain issues. This is definitely something worth striving for within society and it’s an openness that I believe is important within a church environment as well.

So, you have to protect your own heart and be on your guard for those who seem to have no conscience (and it’s probably not easy to tell). Those who seem to live as if the ends justify the means.

Pitfalls in the group

“When the wicked rise to power,

people go into hiding”

Proverbs 28:28

Whether it’s a political party, church, society, family business or office environment there’s certain to be some power-play going on. It’s human nature, but I believe there are certain principles were can hold to and some pitfalls to watch out for.

A bilateral spirit is important, because when you’re working with a group the success will depend on all the participants’ willingness to negotiate and compromise. You have to be both aware of your own needs, desires and issues as well as of the others in the group, others unnecessary conflict may result.

Other principles include honesty, tact and communication skills. Another source of conflict is miscommunication, so even things like attention to detail are important. Ever set up an appointment, only to find people confused the meeting place, or the day, or AM with PM?

This I all know from having been in a band -something that I loved doing but it required a lot of work. In fact, running a band is a great balancing act including working with different personalities, being detailed with plans, organisation, money, time commitment, allocating different tasks -from the musical to the mundane. Any band that doesn’t ultimately work well in all these areas is doomed to fall apart.

However, what about the pitfalls of power-play in the group. When you have mis-communications, differing personality problems, low moral, conflict, etc? Actually, I’m not calling these pitfalls -these are just problems you’re going to find in a group -and that we all have to learn to deal with starting from the self, and extending to all involved.

I’m proud of what my band accomplished all those years ago -we made a 12 song demo and performed quite a few times round town. However, we still had our issues, ranging from laziness, lack of confidence, lack of motivation sometimes, logistical problems and failure to plan. We didn’t conquer the world (nor were we really trying to, but I did hope to record a pro album) but we got along well, had lots of fun and wrote some good songs.

No, the pitfalls I’m talking about are recognizing the “bad egg”. The person who’s in the group not for the group’s benefit, but ultimately for self-gain, or ego, unilateralism or whatever you want to call it. The person who’s good at political  maneuvering, manipulation, shifting argument position simply for their own advantage and is bent  on eliminating rivals. It’s like a “psychological  need” for that person to be on top and where the ends justify the means.

You won’t be able to recognize such a person on the surface because they’re deceitful -maybe even self-deluded, but if you have the feeling you’re in a game, then time to let the alarm bells ring. Perhaps they make an alliance with one person at one time, but when the situation changes they shift to ally with the ‘enemy’ because it’s advantageous. Perhaps they’re nice a flattering publicly, but when you speak privately they’ll slander a rival or cast a slur. Perhaps you get the feeling they’re friends with you because they have something to gain, but should that change, they’ll be slandering you to the next bigwig up the chain.

Other techniques are provocations -often subtle, to cause conflict for their own purposes. Perhaps they’ll provoke rivals so their rivals loose their cool or storm off in anger. And their tactics can be very premeditative.

So, what’s the point I’m making about this? Firstly, sometimes my blog is about the International Churches of Christ, but this article in no way is implying any names. For us who’ve been in the ICOC, we have our own experiences and leaders we feel we can trust and some we feel we don’t trust. My point is, that the “bad egg” can exist in any church, any organisation. The issue I’d have with the old ICOC is that it allowed too much power for some leaders and that’s a great danger for letting a bad egg find an opportunity to exploit.

It doesn’t matter the ideology. You can study enough history about communist countries where political manipulation and maneuvering was all the go. So the point I’m making is, you should be consciously aware of a bad egg in any group you may be a part of. Often we’re subconsciously aware of it and will either have defensive feelings around that person (because they may perceive a threat), or feel flattered and “buddy-buddy” with that person because it’s politically convenient.

Be able to identify it allows you to prepare and pre-empt. It also means that it might be time to leave the group -why go through all the trouble. Is it worth it? If you know someone’s a bad egg, things could get nasty -provocations, slander and all-round bad vibes. And if you’re not conscious about it, you’ll be easily sucked in (and may still be if you are). Schemers are always looking for your weak points, the “buttons to press” so to speak. Being around such a person means you constantly have to keep up your defenses.

If you’re going to stick around (maybe it’s a work situation etc…) you’ll have to consider you’re own strategies and moral convictions. Are you going to fight fire with fire? Slander the way they slander? Develop you’re own “alliances”, use the same tools to provoke, deceive and use guilt trips? But isn’t unfortunate that, being around a bad egg, can cause you to become the same? And often, if you don’t use the same techniques, you’re easy prey -especially if you’re naive to it all.

Trying to maintain a certain integrity and honesty while dealing with a bad egg is probably a great balancing act -but ultimately people will trust you over bad egg, that is, after the fear and power wielded by a bad egg has passed.

I’ll conclude by saying that I think a real “bad egg” is probably a rare thing. Don’t just label someone you don’t get along as one. Just because you have personality differences or clash in some way isn’t what I’m talking about at all -this is the inevitable stuff of life. A bad egg is like coming across a thief of a fraud -there’s a distinct lake of morals or integrity or something. Like a black hole, just wanting to suck life for themselves. I’m sure for most leaders, perhaps ego has a part in it, but they’ll still have ideals, still be trying to do the best they can and still believe they have something to offer.